Fragile state

No posts for awhile. But that's alright. You all haven't been missing much in the way of fun trips, funny encounters, or even interesting happenings.

It's sucked here lately and for some odd reason, I don't really feel like getting on the computer and bitching about things. Go figure. I think about it enough during the day; and unfortunately at night, causing me nothing but sleepless evenings thinking about work.

I know, I should stop thinking about work after I leave. I hear that all the time. But, at this time of year...it's basically all that's going on. And when I can't make things right at THAT moment...I think about how I can later. ie) the next day.

The news is that I put in for a job in Colorado and I'm scared. I want to move to an environment that better suits my needs, but I feel this OBLIGATION, this COMMITMENT, this shall I say DESIRE to finish what I started. However, it cannot be done. Once one "job" or "project" is finished there is another two or three waiting in the wings. And most recently, after finishing one...THREE DAYS LATER (including the weekend), the team heard from the Ranger, "Why is this other deadline so far behind?"

Pardon me?! I was grinding my teeth so hard I thought I might break them. The only words that wanted to come out were expletives...so I held off. THEN, I heard, "We should all be mindful of our writer/editor because she is dealing with three concurrent projects right now."

PARDON ME!?

I work on ALL projects involving GIS on the District. I am a part of every team. I am crucial to everything that happens there (and I must add, my employee as well.) There isn't ANY mention in the regard of Tom and his employee and the workload THEY are under to make this District function. Then, in a family meeting...in a "round robin" everyone else was mentioned...Tom and Jackie? "Well, they're busy doing NEPA stuff." Names and positions were NOT mentioned. It was "implied."

Thanks. Now I feel like a crucial element to this organization. I stared at the floor and fumed.

Then, breaking the news to my boss (who was "too busy" to have a sit down) that I had applied for another job was met with disdain. Disdain? What? I appreciate the fact that she realizes that her "good" people are trying to leave her, but come on! Shouldn't a person realize something from that? Perhaps the District is failing and the people who want to get shit done want to move on and hope that things are better somewhere else? Maybe they want to leave and better their off-work way of life?

Grrr. I am irritated with, yet bound, to this place at the current moment. I say current moment, because I desperately want to finish what I started here. But when I see the same thing for three+ years, it makes a guy question his place in an organization. If nothing else, a change of scenery is appropriate.

Rather than dank woodlands full of motorized recreation, I'm looking at a place that offers high mountain fields of aspen, parks, alpine lakes and mountains, flyfishing, and powder. Of rocks and ice. Of "alpine glow" and peaks. Sure, it could be infused with recreationists on a seasonal basis, but to just be around it seems to be enough for me to leave this redneck monstrosity I'm currently in.

I'm in a bad mood. I'm sorry. This is why I didn't want to start writing in the first place.

But, there it is. (Brief, mind you)